What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
You Might Also Like
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
Pigeon open mic night.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
honestly, i need both:
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse