[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
You Might Also Like
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
You can’t rush stupid.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy