My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
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Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
how it started vs how it ended
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”