ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
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“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.