*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
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One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Wait a second…
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price