Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
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Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Called it
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
me linking you to my twitter
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
next question.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.