*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
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Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
awkward
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.