Them: Just act casual
Me:
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“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.