He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
You Might Also Like
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong