[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
You Might Also Like
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Put this video in the Louvre
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
I gave up going to work for lent.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools