RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
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My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.