A small tragedy.
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I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.