date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
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I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
wow
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up