Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
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Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?