[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
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INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
🤣🤣🤣
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
How to draw a duck
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.