Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
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Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?