For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
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Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
live, laugh, laundry.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.