*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
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Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Still my favorite headline of all time:
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken