If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
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I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.