MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
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Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
⚠️ Important Reminder:
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.