#Thanos #MondayMood
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*watches the world burn*
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it