me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
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*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
me
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*