Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
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ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.