me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
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NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption