it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
You Might Also Like
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?