Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
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Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
I have written yet another poem about laundry
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)