Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
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“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.