I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
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While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.