i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
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My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.