*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
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[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.