The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
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[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
5 ways to appear taller
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
the greatest twitter interaction
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
I have never related to anyone more.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?