I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
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Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.