Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
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I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Mission: Impossible
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
#catsoftwitter