[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
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GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
dutch is not a serious language
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”