Seems kinda suspicious
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DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”