WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
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INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.