spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
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Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.