I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
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I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman