I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
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Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
I think my mom just blocked me
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Confused owl: What?!
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?