I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
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Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?