“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
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Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
I think the cat got the dog high.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.