My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
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WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Happy thanksgiving!
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.