[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
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I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo