grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
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[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
i now pronounce you bounced.
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god