I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
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Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.