On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
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[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.