My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
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I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
mood
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen