A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
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ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.