The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
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Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
#oldknees
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested