I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
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in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
BETRAYAL
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not